it's always sunny in philadelphia.

My disposition is generally sunny. I’m rarely negative or angry; I always look at things from all angles and try to focus on the most positive side. I believe everything happens for a reason, be it good or bad, and something can be learned from everything.

I am always smiling and cracking jokes. I always try to make others feel happy.

Lately, I have been tired. My soul and my heart have been so tired. I hate sleeping because I loathe the waking. Waking up means another day of doing something I don’t want to do, or doing something that squashes my creativity and makes me apathetic.

I had a friend who once told me that the opposite of love is not hate - it’s apathy. He’s right. At least hate is an emotion; apathy is emptiness.

That’s how I have been feeling. Apathetic. A shell of myself. I don’t even want to read or write, which is incredibly unlike me.

I’ve been this way for four months. Not any more.

I resigned from my job. I’m moving to Philadelphia by March’s end and freelancing full time while I continue to look for jobs down there (be it writing and editing or just plain office work).

I’m placing myself in a new area, with a new situation and new people. I’m going to use this time to visit numerous places in Philadelphia, take in things I’ve never experienced before. I want to read and write more. I want to watch more movies that I should have watched years ago. I will re-teach myself French, once and for all. I will work out daily.

I’ll finally bring myself to who I want to be. I won’t be a shell any more.

This prospect is exciting, but (as you can imagine) incredibly scary.

I’ll miss my family. I’ll miss my friends. Hell, I’ll even miss the people I work with.

I’ll be on my own for the first time in twenty-three years. An only child, flying the coop, trying her hand at independent life.

Sure, I’ll have Tony’s family. But I don’t want to rely on them too much. It’s all a part of growing and changing myself.

Today is day one of my new self. I have fourteen days left of work and about thirty in this valley.

Apathy is so yesterday.