my will. to what, i don't know.

For the past two days at work, all employees have been required to attend an open enrollment session. During the session, reps from all different insurance companies talked about benefits and such.

It was truly pointless for me to attend as I’ve yet to hit my 90-day mark in order for me to achieve any benefits at all. I had to go (stupid sign-in sheets). So, for eighty minutes I sat myself in a hard, cold metal folding chair and watched the clock directly in front of me tick down. I was losing time away from my much adored cubicle, but I was gaining ass sores and droopy eyes.

The only thing that really caught my attention was the man from MetLife, an animated gent with a porn stache who was there to talk about life insurance. He mentioned wills and my ears perked up.

I’m twenty-two. I don’t plan on dying any time soon (you bet your ass I just knocked a dent into the wood desk I’m sitting at), but I thought about it – who would I give my shit to?

I don’t have much to give. At this point in my life I’ve just graduated from college and still live with my parents. Unless someone wants my increasing debt or dirty laundry, most of my friends are shit out of luck. I still own things that I treasure that have to go to someone, not a big yellow dumpster.

There are two things that are arguably my most expensive assets (collectively): my shoe collection and my book collection. These are things I take pride in, as I’ve been working on them both for as long as I can remember and they comprise my favorite things in life.

My shoes would have to go to a fellow size 8, 8 ½-er. This is a common size, but you’d be stunned – all of my friends fall either tragically short or above that standard. So, instead of giving them to a friend of mine that may be my size but not up to snuff fashionably (because of course I am – and also a bit of a shallow bitch, obv), I’d give them to the Salvation Army. Did you ever see the shoes in there? I would kill to walk in and find a two dollar pair of Nine Wests, but all I get are Naturalizers or square toes. And the ones that do fit me smell or have some sort of substance stuck to them.

My books would be split between my aunt, my cousin and my best friends Kelley, Joanne and Cara. That sounds like a lot of people, but trust me – there are plenty to go around. I imagine the more educational and classic ones would go to my aunt and cousin. The horror books would go to Kelley. The girly and humorous ones would be bestowed upon Jo and Cara.

My laptop’s gotta go to someone and that someone would be Joanne. She lives in the basement of her house with a very large family (half of who should be moved into their own place thankyouverymuch) and she has to share everything as the youngest of three. Girl needs something to call her own (besides her dignity and pride – which God bless her for still having some after putting up with her sister’s antics).

My DVDs and video game systems will go to Tony. There is no other person more perfect. Though he continuously mocks my N64, I’m sure that if he had it he’d play it all the time.

Or trade it in for money.

Yeah. Probably that.

I was crowned prom queen my junior year of high school. That and my high school and college yearbooks, along with copious amounts of photo albums, are the big memories of my earlier years. My cousins could have those. I’m sure they could learn a thing or two. (A picture is worth a thousand words, you know? Ones of me doing keg stands are worth infinitely less: “don't” would probably suffice.)

My most prized possession ever is my writings. I’m talking stories from third grade until now. Fanfiction, essays, work on my novel, poems, diaries and random scribbles on napkins. They’re my innermost thoughts; my most carefully crafted words.

These would go to my mother. She is also a writer so I think she’d benefit most from them. This would probably help her realize why I was so difficult to raise. And why there are so many miles on my car.

Everything else is fair game, kids. Feel free to ravage my belongings. You’ll probably only find it beneficial to you if you like Buffy the Vampire Slayer, mini erasers, or sepia colored pictures of pop culture icons.